Reminders
by Tonkswyrda
Summary: Post DH, Harry goes back to Hogwarts to finish his education so he can continue his dream od becomming an Auror. But being back only brings up painful memories, and he's not sure if he do it anymore.


It had seemed like the logical thing to do. The war was over; but they had missed a whole year of school to go on their horcrux hunt, and they still needed their NEWTs, defeaters of Voldemort or not. And he, Harry, had been the first to suggest it; Ron and Hermione had agreed. They needed to finish their education. Despite everything they'd been through, everything they'd done, there was still so much they didn't know. So logically, it was a good idea.

As soon as he stepped into the great hall though, Harry knew it was the worst idea he'd ever had.

Looking to his right, he saw Ron and Hermione, holding hands, heading for the Gryffindor table. They were fine, they were smiling. At least, they were until they looked back and saw him, frozen in the doorway. He wanted to keep walking, to follow them, but he couldn't. he could feel his legs shaking; he could hear the screams, the crashes, Bellatrix's wild laughter- it all rolled over him in a huge, heavy wave, and he was back, back at the battle of Hogwarts. There was Fred, lying motionless while the Weasleys cried over his body; next to him, Remus and Tonks, their son, not even a month old and already an orphan…

"Harry? Harry? Are you okay?"Hermione's voice called from beside him, bringing him back to reality with a resounding thud.

"Harry? Mate?" Ron's hand was on his shoulder.

"No." was all he could manage. His legs had life in them again, but they weren't carrying him to the table; they carried him back to the entrance hall, past all the nameless faces who turned and pointed at him, some calling out in welcome. He only stopped when he reached the golden plaque that was now set into the wall above the giant hour glasses that displayed the house points. Points. What a useless thing, he couldn't help but think, before turning his attention back to the plaque. There were over 50 names engraved on it. His stomach felt hollow as he thought of all those people… many of them strangers to him, but he was the one they fought for, and the one they had died for. All these people died to stop Voldemort, to help him, Harry. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to take a single step in this castle without the guilt of that hanging over him.

"Wrackspurt got you?" Quite seriously, Luna slipped her hand into his. He managed a smile. "It'll get better, Harry. With time." He nodded, the lump in his throat lessening slightly. "It's not forever, you know. You'll see them again." Looking at her serious face, he remembered the veil, and the locked room in the department of mysteries. _"Oh, come on. You heard them, just beyond the veil, didn't you?"_ Was she right? Were they all just hiding, waiting for him to join them? Was that life, a giant game of hide and seek?

"Harry?" he turned. Hermione and Ron were standing in the now empty entrance hall. "You coming?"

He shook his head, glancing back at the plaque. "Not hungry. I'll just go to bed." Without waiting for a reply, he let go of Luna's hand, and took the familiar path back to Gryffindor tower. The Fat Lady didn't ask for the password; she just swung forward silently, letting him in. he was thankful. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

Lying alone in the dark, however, was hardly any better. Their faces hovered behind his eyelids when he closed his eyes. Colin Creevey; too young to fight, but always so eager and enthusiastic around Harry. He shouldn't have been there. _"Can I have a photo, Harry? You can come sit with us, Harry! Hiya, Harry!"_

"_You're joking Perce! You actually are joking, Perce…"_ He could feel the dust coating him as he lifted Fred's limp body out of harm's way… Mrs. Weasleys desperate cries as she clutched her son. George's empty face. His fault. All his fault.

"_Take it... Take it..." _Snape's last words still haunted him. The shocking realisation that he had done it all for her, that he had really been good all along... Harry hated how he'd treated him, how he'd laughed at him. He felt so, so guilty.

"_Tonks is going to have a baby... Do you realise what I've done to my wife and unborn child? I've made them outcasts... And if by some miracle it is not like me, it's better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed...It's a boy! You'll be godfather? To Teddy Remus Lupin, a great wizard in the making..."  
"Have you seen Remus? I couldn't stand... not knowing..."_  
Teddy wasn't even a month old when his parents left him to fight Voldemort. Of course, Tonks wouldn't let Remus go by himself... and now they were both dead... _"I was trying to make a world in which he could live a happier life..."_ It was his fault. What he'd said to Remus was true; he didn't want any of them to die. Not at all, and certainly not for him.

"I can't do this." He whispered to the silence. "I can't be here. Not here."

Ron and Dean came up shortly after; they still had their old room to themselves. He pretended to be asleep, and they didn't question him. He woke up before them too, and dressed quickly, grabbing some toast and leaving the castle. His feet lead him where he knew he'd end up eventually; the small graveyard that was now home to those who fought and died during the battle of Hogwarts. Some weren't buried there; Colin wasn't- his father wanted him somewhere he could visit. But in the early morning, Harry sat in the dewy grass, staring blankly at the tombstones of Remus and Tonks and Fred and Snape and Dumbledore, and the other students and Order members he wished he had known better.

"You can't keep doing this Harry." Hermione sat next to him, the dew soaking through her clean robes. He retained his stony silence. She rolled her eyes. "You wanted to come back. You had to know this would happen! They died for you Harry, so that you could live, and Destroy Voldemort! And you did. They're all proud of you, wherever they are. They wouldn't want you to be like this for them."

"I just... I just feel so guilty, Hermione." He turned to her. "They're all dead because of me."

"No. They're all dead because they chose to make this world a better place. A happier place." Her words echoed the last words Remus had said to him, and they were hauntingly clear in the early morning light. "We've got double herbology. Come on. Getting back into the rhythm of things will be good for you."

"Yeah. Herbology. Okay." Slowly, he stood, abandoning the graves of his friends, following Hermione across to the greenhouses, where Ron and Ginny and Luna were waiting.

Remember what Sirius said, Harry told himself. _"You think the ones who love us never truly leave us? You can always find them again- in here."_

He would find them again.


End file.
